"Your heart began to be scorched,
and there was a smell of it
It was the end of your dream,
and the start of everything

What you adored looked beautiful to you
It became even brighter because you couldn't reach it

If I could flow like the wind
I would reach you
If I could shine like a moon
I would keep shining on you

I'll be anything
If it can stop you from being seized with fear"
-Moments, Ayumi Hamasaki


What would you do if the guy you really loved led you to believe he liked you , then abandoned you and went to your friend, who knew you liked him and said she would give up her own feelings and support you? What if this same guy who you had to get over because your friend is now going out with him starts talking with you again, playing with you and now abandoning his girlfriend? What would you do if the girlfriend is now having the same doubts, same feelings you had when you were abandoned by this guy?

Am i suppose to back off? Its yes right? Because their going out right? Even though the feelings are exactly the fucking same, i am the one who has to back the fuck off because he is confused at what he really wants....and she is hurt because he is now paying attention to me.....how does any of this make sense? She didn't back off when i felt the way she did...but i guess it's because we were not dating that its perfectly fine. Its perfectly cool to do this, right? So now i have to back off again because of a stupid status......i hate being alone....it scares me....it honestly scares me...its hard to make friends.......him, her, and our friend are the only ones i actually hang out with....always in my room...theres no escape....and i dont want to escape.

But how can i stay in this group anymore? How can i be asked to stop everything I'm doing to make her happy when its going to make me miserable? Im not allowed to be friendly anymore because he is confused in the first place? Im not allowed to hang out with him anymore...im not allowed to play with him a little anymore....just because he is confused and seems to be abandoning her.Is this really my fault? I backed the fuck off and i was dragged back in. Then when i thought fucking things went back to normal this happens...and now im suppose to go away again.....I am suppose to act like the bad guy. Im suppose to be the jerk, bitch, asshole...in order for him to not be confused and to go to her, like i did before. I don't know what to do.....im scared....im scared to be alone right now...

i dont want to back off....i want to stay....but i know that it wont work that way and i will only continue to hurt my friend if i stick around....i hate being the adult....sucking it up, smiling and pretending everything is okay, and throwing away my own feelings so others can be happy....I'm scared....I'm really scared....I'm emotionally unstable and physically tired....I want things to go back to normal...but thats just wishful thinking. It will never happen....

So here i am, back in my own dug up hole, alone. It's dark...small.....cold.......kowai....totemo kowai.